If I had asked you a year ago which of the people you know would be the least likely to run a half marathon the chances are I might have made your top ten. Fast forward to July 14, 2009 and I received an E mail from Rene Russo suggesting I join her and others in the Las Vegas half marathon with a taunting “you might even enjoy it” in closing. Unable to ignore taunting I signed up.

Now let me tell you about the enjoyment of running as promised by Dr. Russo. First your trainer tells you that your running shoes, which used to be called sneakers, aren’t good enough. This is strange because I distinctly remember going wild and buying the pair that cost $24.95 at Discount Shoe Warehouse. Now you get to go to the runner’s store where they don’t let non-runners in and you get to buy a new pair of sneakers, oops, running shoes, which cost $249.95. If you have ever wondered about the difference between sneakers that cost $24.95 and running shoes that cost $249.95 I can explain. The running shoes come with pre-installed cheese graters that shred your skin when you run, leaving you limping in a pool of blood at the side of the road.

Next stop is the same running store where you buy Body Glide. Body Glide is actually a tube of bacon grease that you smear onto your feet and any other body areas that take your fancy to prevent the cheese graters from doing their thing. Lesser mortals can buy bacon grease for a nickel but because it is packed in a little plastic tube especially for runners it comes at the bargain price of $19.95.

Now we’re running and the cheese graters are rendered ineffective. This is the moment when you reach longer distances than you have ever even driven before and your calf gives up. Easily fixed, a massage or two will cost you $50 and you will be right as rain. WAIT. You’re a runner and massage is now called physical therapy and the price has gone up to $149 per hour. However, for the first time in your “training” there is good news. Once a “runner” has spent over $400 on physical therapy he/she is entitled to buy build ups for his/her sneakers to prevent recurrence of the calf strain. Build ups cost $5. The bad news; now you’re a runner and you have running shoes instead of sneakers they are called orthotics and cost $50. Wait a minute, didn’t we used to get two pairs of sneakers for $50?

All injuries abolished you can now run without limit of distance or time. This means you will need energy and should take some chocolate with you to boost your blood sugar. Not so fast buddy, you’re a runner, remember? Now you need to get our energy more quickly so avoid the time taken to chew chocolate and take a tube of Gu gel which will immediately burst into your blood stream. The difference? About $50.00. The really funny thing is that Gu gel is also used to make dental impressions and sets in your mouth to make one massive lump which prevents respiration. Failure to breath results in glycogen depletion and it is imperative to restore your glycogen stores before you shuffle off this mortal coil. Perhaps resort to your favorite brand of jelly beans “The Jelly Bean Company” and swallow a few for a penny or two. Should work. Not so fast buddy, you’re a runner now and you have to buy “Runners Beans” they are still made by The Jelly Bean Company and the difference; about $15.00

Thanks Dr. Russo, I hadn’t expected to have this much enjoyment until I got to my death bed.

I had planned to write to you to ask for a donation toward my medical expenses. However, as I write, my nephew, David, is lying in a hospital bed (yes guys, the jokes are over) as he often does, due to cystic fibrosis. I carry the gene but do not have the disease so by a quirk of fate I am 50, fit and healthy. Ugly has nothing to do with this, OK? So instead I am hoping that 100 of my friends and acquaintances will donate $10.00 each to the cystic fibrosis foundation thereby raising $1,000 toward research. It would mean a lot to me and more to David. It might actually allow me to enjoy the race on December 6th. And Dr. Russo, I think you owe me a $20.00.