I can't do much. Even as someone on the mild end of the spectrum of cystic fibrosis, I find myself always thinking to myself, “I didn't do enough, today.”
Some days, I find myself lying in bed overcome by how bad I'm feeling physically, wishing that I could be doing something that I love, like playing basketball, writing, or life coaching. Yet, I can't seem to find enough energy to do more than scroll through the social media timelines on my phone -- and mentally, that makes my feeling of “I didn't do enough, today,” even worse.
Imagine being bedridden, trying to rest -- yet getting none because of the guilt of being in bed all day, and then logging onto Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and seeing people putting in ridiculous hours to master their crafts; seeing people live-streaming vacations; seeing people doing everything you know you would do if you could muster up the energy to do something.
It's been hard for me to enter adulthood with dreams that I want to fulfill, yet I can't seem to get the energy to get up and do them.
Because of this degenerative disease, it's been hard for me to accept that as I get older the harder it may get for me to do something.
But, alas, this is where I am. As they say, these are the cards I was dealt.
So, how am I going to play my hand? This is the question I've been asking myself, because I've decided I'm no longer going to fold.
One day, while lying in bed, as usual, insight struck me out of nowhere. I finally understood how I would make sure to do “enough” and to make my actions mean something.
We usually judge our actions in this society by how much we can do. I'm going to judge my actions simply by how I do them. Because the reality is, at times, I may not be able to do much. I'm going to make sure that what I actually get the chance to do has as much intention, meaning, love, and impact in it that I can put into it.
What I have realized is that for people with CF, it's even more important to focus on how we're doing something, rather than how much we're doing.
One action driven by intention can travel far and have a grand impact. There's no need for doing a million things a day when your one action can do a million things for you.
To do this, I had to drop the judgment that I had behind my actions in the first place. I had to replace my feelings of “this isn't good enough” with, “This one action will impact someone. This one action will travel far. This one action will be life-changing.”
Altering my perspective has helped me tremendously. It's helped to alleviate the guilt I feel about not doing much. It's helped me to put even more effort into something when I have the energy to do so. It's given me the understanding that what I do, DOES matter.
So, hopefully, this one blog post will travel far. Hopefully, it will make an impact.
And with all that being typed … I think it's time for a rest.
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