This blog discusses suicide and suicidal ideation. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please contact your physician, go to your local ER, or call/text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. The program provides free, confidential support 24/7.

I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis the day I was born. Growing up with a chronic illness has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life. The constant treatments, hospital visits, and the uncertainty of my future often made me feel hopeless and very lost. There were days when I questioned the purpose of it all and struggled to find meaning in my life.

Over my sophomore year of high school, I went through a really hard time with my disease. I got so sick, and I started missing lots of school, causing my grades to slip. I ended up in the hospital at least three times every other month. I stopped taking my medications and doing my treatments during these tough times because I felt no purpose in trying anymore. 

I was to the point where I didn't even want to be alive anymore. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor crying out to the Lord begging him for help, because I truly did not know what to do at that moment. I just wanted all my pain to go away. I didn't want to live with this stupid disease anymore. I just wanted to be normal. At the time, my only solution was to let suicidal thoughts run through my head. I had written notes in my phone telling my family and friends how much I had loved and cared for them, that I was so sorry but I just couldn't keep doing it anymore. I even wrote a note for every important event that would happen in my siblings’ lives. I truly thought I wasn't going to be there the next morning.

I felt no presence of God, and I truly felt so alone.

I couldn’t understand what I did to deserve this disease and all the pain I was feeling. It seemed so unfair watching everyone else's life get better as mine just continued to get worse.

I had truly lost all my faith and started doubting God's existence. The more I struggled, the more distant God felt. My prayers felt like they weren't being answered, and I felt like I was just failing in every aspect of my life. 

I felt so ashamed of myself that I started hanging out with people who weren't good influences on me and got me to do things just to numb the pain I was feeling. I was living such a worldly life full of sin, lust, greed, and misery. It seemed like there was just no way out of the dark hole I was in. I didn't feel like people understood how hard it actually was to try to live a normal life and accomplish all your goals when you’re literally fighting for your life every single day.

But despite all of that, everything changed one night after months of prayers and cries out to the Lord. I was at church on a normal Sunday afternoon. It was my first time back in a church after months of not going. We began worshiping and the song “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury came on. I felt chills go up and down my body and then I felt a soft whisper telling me that I would never be alone in my hurt and that I still have time to run back to the Lord. As I heard that, I remember walking closer to the altar with tears rolling down my face. My church leader ran up to me and was hugging me as I just cried into her arms. She then prayed over me along with 15 other amazing people. In that exact moment, I knew I needed to change. 

That night, I prayed to God asking him to come to me in my dream and talk to me, just to give me reassurance that I still had a purpose to keep going. I honestly didn't really think much of it or think anything would happen. But little did I know God came to me in my dream with open arms and sat and talked to me for what felt like hours. He told me it would all be OK because he was going to be by my side through it all. His last few words before I woke up were “Sweet child, be proud of how you've been handling these past months. The silent battles you fought, the moments you had to put others before yourself, wiped your own tears, sat in the bathroom sobbing then bettered yourself for your family and told yourself to keep going. Little do you know I was by your side every single moment you felt lost and felt like giving up; I was your angel telling you to keep going.” Finally, he told me that the next morning, I would wake up and the Bible would be open on the pillow next to me with my favorite verse, which is Micah 7:8.

I woke up and I saw my Bible laying right next to me with the verse already laid out. I read the verse and then prayed to God. I then jumped right up and began doing my treatments and taking my medicine. I didn't feel hopeless anymore. My heart felt healed.

Now, I view my life so differently. My CF does not define me, but it is what makes me who I am today. It is my story to inspire others and give them a sense of hope to keep going every day, no matter how hard it gets.

I am so grateful to my mom, dad, siblings, friends, grandma, and Aunt Jenna. Most important, I am grateful to Dr. Diaz for never giving up on me and for lighting up my path when I was lost in the dark. I want to thank all the people in my life for pushing me to become the person I am today and for never leaving my side or giving up on me because — without them — I wouldn't be here today. 

Lastly, I would like to tell you that you will never be alone in your darkness, and you will never have to weather any storm on your own. You are so strong, and you are so much more than a disease. If I could find my way out, so can you. No matter how hard something might seem to be, the Lord will always be there to become your light. When you feel lost in the darkness, look for the light. I love you.

Interested in sharing your story? The CF Community Blog wants to hear from you.