Constantine Stanislavski's "An Actor Prepares" was the first book about acting I ever read. Considered the core from which all modern acting stems, it opened my eyes to what professional acting is all about -- the truth, the beauty, the raw nature, the impulse, the creativity. It was the first time the word 'technique' entered my vocabulary. I was in my early twenties when I read this book for an acting class I took on a whim. To this day, I credit that class and that book with helping me to find my drive and passion to pursue acting.
Prior to that class, I was just a kid with cystic fibrosis. I was lost in a world filled with choices, searching for the right answers. I initially tried the typical college business major route. It offered security, but I couldn't shake this feeling that I was going to be stuck doing a job I couldn't care less about for the rest of my life. Other people seemed perfectly content approaching a career that wasn't driven by anything other than fiscal gain, but for me there was still a void in my life.
Fast forward to my mid-twenties. I had moved to New York City and was going to one of the most well-known acting conservatories in the nation, The American Academy of Dramatic Arts. It's a place where, for two brief but hectic years, actors build a base and learn acting technique. Robert Redford, Adrien Brody, Kim Cattrall, and Anne Hathaway chose to work on their craft there.
Those two years were some of the best of my life. I lived in a room about the size of a closet in Brooklyn, struggling like crazy to make ends meet, and loving every moment. Classes never lasted long enough. There was no such thing as homework, just rehearsals, character work, and exploration. I learned more about myself during that time than I ever did in the twenty odd years before. What I didn't expect to get from acting was a better understanding of what having cystic fibrosis really meant to me.
I started to realize that there was a correlation between my CF and my choice to act, and as I kept working on my craft, the connection became clearer. I chose to pursue acting simply because I was searching for a reason to do treatments, to have a relationship that might or might not lead to a family, to fight. Following my passion gave me my reason.
Acting has given me much more than I could have ever imagined. It's given me a greater understanding of what it means to be human, not unlike the same discovery I made about living with cystic fibrosis. CF gave me a greater appreciation for life. My own mortality is something that I live with and face every day, every time I take a pill, every coughing attack I have, every clinic appointment I go to, every treatment I do, I am reminded that this is real and no matter what else happens, in the end, this will inevitably take my life. I have no choice but to look at life differently.
I approach acting in the same way. Those things that most of us take for granted have to be there. When I am doing a scene, the more I can be in that moment, the fuller my acting will be. In doing so, I find more truth in my character and -- more importantly -- myself. The more connected I am to the other actor, the better the scene becomes. When I am truly open and honest, the better my performance becomes, and I am as alive and as present as I can be. Acting enables me to take those things that make us human and connect us to each other -- hurt, love, laughter -- and cultivate them in a story that moves people, including me.
Living with CF gave me a better appreciation for what it means to be alive. It taught me that CF is, in some ways, a gift. It gave me the ability to see the value in a simple breath. The same goes for acting. Art imitates life because it is about telling your story in these circumstances.
