Growing up with CF, I always felt like my life was a ticking time bomb. Growing up, I didn’t really think about my own mortality and my life span; that all changed when I turned 18. I vividly remember driving to my grandmother’s house, having a full-blown panic attack, and having to pull over so I didn’t get into a wreck. I had realized my own mortality.
The fact of the matter was, I was going to die. And young. This was pre-Trikafta so the average life expectancy for someone with CF was approximately 44 years old. My life was half over almost I felt like. From that point on, I battled alcohol.
I was not always an alcohol abuser, but when I drank, I drank. I would get drunk and cry, telling my friends I was going to die young, and I would have full-blown meltdowns … I was a lot of fun at parties. I went through a divorce in 2021 and moved back to my hometown of Knoxville, Tenn., which is when my alcoholism and substance misuse really took off. At first, I was just partying on the weekends to make up for the time I lost by getting married at the young age of 22. I then started dabbling in cocaine and ketamine — very rarely at first.
I mean, everyone did a little coke here and there at birthday parties and weddings, so why couldn’t I? I did not, however, take my addictive personality into account. The next two years were an absolute train wreck. My mental health was wrecked. Cocaine depletes your dopamine, which takes around 90 days to return to normal levels. I wasn’t going to let depleted dopamine levels stop me. For two years, I did not go more than 30 days without doing cocaine. It became a vicious cycle: wake up mid-afternoon hungover from alcohol and cocaine, wallow in misery for a few hours, go back out to the bars and start the cycle again. I figured if I kept drinking and doing cocaine, I would avoid the harsh comedowns and misery that accompanies them.
Unfortunately, that is not how substance misuse works, and I got into a deeper and darker depression every day. I was — and am — seeing a mental health therapist who has me on medication, and we have debated if I am bi-polar or have other underlying issues.
Between the ages of 26 and 29, I engaged in binge drinking 3 to 5 days a week and did cocaine almost every time I drank. I maxed out one of my credit cards, tanked my savings, and wrecked my car — twice. I thank my higher power every day that I did not get a DUI while drunk driving, kill myself, or kill someone else.
I was so disappointed and disgusted with myself that, eventually, I could barely look in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself — this was not how I was raised. I could feel my daddy’s heart breaking, and that broke my heart.
Life finally came to a head when I popped my tire while driving drunk, and my dad broke down crying. I just could not live like that anymore. I was putting myself and everyone in my life through absolute hell.
I decided to reach out for help for the first time in my life. I have been sober — from all substances — since August 9, 2024, and I genuinely feel like my life has been saved.
I am clear headed, my health has tremendously improved, and I don’t wake up hating myself or being embarrassed by what I most likely did or said the night prior. All my relationships have immensely improved. It had reached a point that my friends began avoiding inviting me to nice places because I was such a train wreck. I don’t blame them.
I have had to remind myself how resilient I am and always have been. I have graciously been blessed with more than I deserve with much support from my family, friends, and fiancé. I feel as if substance misuse was important to talk about, as I have always felt alone in my feelings but know I cannot be. I believe a lot of CFers struggle with their mental health, their own mortality, and the consequences of having this disease; it seems as if it is always something and never-ending. Sprinkle in CF-related diabetes and there you have the cherry on top.
Getting sober has helped me get a grip on my mental and physical health, which go hand in hand. If you feel you are struggling, I really encourage you to reach out for help, in whatever capacity you can. I have met some of my closest friends through my program and have a community of strong women around me that I would not trade for the world. I am one of the lucky ones.
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